Stumbling over words I couldn’t get out while pressing my fingers to the spot of his hand I’d touch when I didn’t know what to say. His hands in my hoodie pocket pulling me closer and nervously trying to get me to say everything I felt. He needed to hear it. All I could do was grip his sides with my face against his chest trying not to cry looking around with scared eyes that this might be the last time. He pulled my chin up and he then placed his hands on my face to meet my eyes. After seeing the tears, lightly kissing my forehead telling me I’m going to be okay. He pointed out my train and I kept saying I didn’t want to go and he kept asking why and saying he didn’t want me to go either. Asking me to not forget him and if I’ll text him. I hadn’t forgotten you for those few years and I can’t now. Truth is he is the most beautiful being inside and out I’ve ever met and the only one that was making sense to me while I was getting worse again. So lost. Squeeze. We kissed in front of the terminal. And when he went to walk away I kept ahold of his hand and he said “am I coming with” and I softly spoke “I wish”. And we let go of hands and walked our separate ways. My eyes were trying to hold back more tears as my hand shook and I nervously got on the train hesitant. I sat down in a seat and got back up panicked and circling then made my way to the train door to turn around and go back up. I can’t forgive myself for not getting off to catch him and say everything I needed to say. And I’ve hated train stations ever since.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can’t love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.
La Dispute | New Storms For Old Lovers
That’s kind of you.